Our dear neighbor, after a valiant fight, passed away peacefully at her home with her loving husband at her side this afternoon. This wonderful person never uttered one complaint throughout her fighting this disease and worried more about how her husband was going to do whilst she had numerous surgeries, chemotherapy and many doctor's visits. Early on, we had assured her that she needn't worry, I usually cook enough food to feed an army and we would make sure he was fine. That was a relief for her and she could concentrate on fighting her cancer.
She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer already in its fourth stage. The prognosis was not good when the disease was found so late in the process. Nevertheless, she approached this battle with a determination to beat it and a grace about her to take every day in stride no matter what was handed to her. We visited her and her husband, John many times during her on going fight.
A while back, her husband John and his wife Fran, decided he needed to go shopping for what he planned to wear for her funeral. He was afraid to leave her without anyone there whilst he went shopping. This is where Steve and I decided to see if we could be of service. Steve took John to a store where we buy our suits etc., and I had a wonderful afternoon sitting with Fran talking about anything from politics, to cooking. She was very aware of her politics and even protested during the Vietnam Conflict. She told me she was never going to let "them" have her boys.
When she was convalescing, I used to cook for them and she would immediately call her sister in California and tell her what I had made and we all shared recipes back and forth. When I was sitting with her, she asked me if I would play the piano and sing for her, which I did. She was always so easy to please. Steve and John came back with some of the clothes he purchased whilst the pants would be altered and ready later. I can not imagine going shopping for the clothes I am to wear at my spouse's funeral. He did well, with Steve's help. He had come over and asked if we could go with him since he didn't think he knew enough about style etc, and I guess he thought us being gay, we would know all about that sort of thing. Little did he know. ;-)
Last night, John saw Steve watering the lawn and came over to talk. We have always been available for him to just vent and tell us how he is doing. One of our neighbors is a nurse and has been checking in on Fran along with the Hospice nurse so John was free to break away for a moment. We invited him in for a nice glass of Glen Livet scotch and sat and talked for quite awhile. I do not know if it was the scotch or the company ( or both ) but he did seem to feel better afterwards. I told him one of my bad Irish jokes, ( What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? - - -One less person drinking. ) He enjoyed the bantering a bit. Our neighbor told him she thought Fran would be passing sometime during the night, so she stayed the night with her. As it turns out Fran made it through the night and passed away this afternoon.
It has been my privilege to know her and be friends with her and John. We will miss her smile, laughter, and kindness to us.
Rest In Peace, Fran and may you enjoy many, many sunrises and sunsets on your new journey.
14 comments:
My condolences to you, Butch, on Fran's passing. I remember you mentioning her before (and the shopping excursion) and I'm happy to hear she found peace.
Still, a sad loss to you and your neighborhood. It's clear you'll all have fond memories to share of her and bolster her husband along as he grieves.
(And thanks for the Laugh Out Loud moment with your nasty little joke!)
Greg: Many thanks. She always had a smile on her face and she will be missed.
She was a wonderful cook coming from an Italian family and she was always sending something over. It must have looked odd seeing food coming and going in different directions. ;-)
Regarding the joke: It brought a smile and a laugh to him as well.
He came over again last night and we all sat down and we mainly listened whilst he talked. I think her death has been a two-edged sword for him since he wanted her to not suffer anymore but didn't want her to die either. Death is a part of our culture that we are most uncomfortable experiencing. It should be regarded as the final step in a well lived life and the life should be celebrated more than the mourning part in my opinion. It's easy to say until it happens to one's own loved one.
Butch I am so sorry you lost Fran. She sounds like she was a wonderful lady. Ovarian cancer is an awful one, and to think she never complained. You know then her love for John was true. It is such a beautiful thing to put someone before yourself, and in a way it is the ultimate act of selflessness. (In a selfish way, because it is the right and good thing to do.)
I am sure you and your partner are the most wonderful neighbours, serving up Glenlivet and cracking jokes, you are definately my kind of people. They (did and do)no doubt appreciate you both very much.
Reading blogs keeps us human I think, and takes us out of our comfortable little bubble every now and then. Thank you for taking me out of my bubble today friend.
xoxo
Gillian: Many thanks for your kind words and bless your heart for saying them. Tomorrow morning, a requiem mass will be said for her and of course, we will be there to honour her in the celebration of life.
We would gladly share a Glenlivet and a craic with you anytime. Thanks for stopping by.
Each loss recalls the others. Or something like that. I am so uncomfortable with grief. Laughed out loud at the Irish wedding/wake joke. Being of Irish descent myself, it certainly rang true for me...reminds me of all my mother's sisters and brothers (the Hanley's)
With the median age of the local population on the high side, we host "memorial celebrations" at work fairly regularly, including a large gathering just yesterday
I always try to make the arrangements as easy as possible for the bereaved and I'm happy to say that more often than not, they hold with the idea of it being a celebration of a life well-lived.
I'm always pleased when, as at yesterday's, the attendees begin sharing jokes and funny stories of the deceased. Those are the memories that help us to find one another and heal from our own loss.
Of course, having a bar handy doesn't hurt. ; )
Lacey: How true it is when someone we know dies it brings an host of other thoughts of friends and loved ones who have passed on. Our culture is weak when it comes to death, dying and how one acts or grieves through this process. I too, come from a long line of Irish lineage and people in my family handle grief in many different ways.
When an uncle of mine died suddenly in his early forties back in the 60s, the corpus was kept at the house and the wake held there. This wake was solemn whilst others in the family were celebrated. ( as in my joke ) Today, it seems like we want to get rid of the person as soon as they die having the funeral director come and pick up the person rather than letting the family grieve with the person surrounded by loved ones. It is such a sterile environment surrounding death.
After the actual funeral part in my family, there was always a ton of food and drink to consume and much talk of memories relived regarding the deceased member's life in celebration.
Greg: The time right after a loved one's death is the worst for those left to make any decisions. It's always a good idea to try and plan these things ahead making sure all the "i"s are dotted and "t"s crossed whilst one still has their senses about them. The celebration of live is a good way to "see the person off" with good thoughts of them and many stories of fun times. It lightens what is generally a dark mood brought on by the requiem. ( Yes, having the bartender know you by your first name doesn't hurt either ) ;-)
Yesterday's requiem mass for her was nice. When I was still singing classically, I used to occasionally sing music appropriate for a requiem mass in "high mass" and "not so high mass" depending upon the church or if it was in a cathedral. Not being religious, I have a different perspective of the mass and can observe it. It's nice if the priest has even met the deceased and can talk about them from a familiar point of view rather than bringing up points about the person from gathered information from the family. Those services always bothered me. It showed, no matter how artful the priest was, that they really didn't know the person. I once heard a priest even get the pronunciation of the departed's name wrong!
There were many neighbors from our wee cul-du-sac in attendance and that says a lot on how well liked and loved Fran was in our neighborhood.
You and Steve were a comfort to them both, Butch, and have shown us what the word neighbor is all about.
Rest in peace, Fran.
And for the enjoyment of those here gathered...
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Joe: Many thanks for your kind words.
Many of the neighbors were at the mass and we were not unique. Evidently, she was good friends with us all.
Ha! Those O'Malley twins! Thanks for your contribution.
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely friend. What a beautiful tribute you have written to her. It speaks eloquently of your heart, too. My Nana also died of ovarian cancer. Somehow, right now I am imagining her greeting Fran in a peaceful, pain free, loving place. Thank you for sharing so deeply.
My love to you and Steve.
Cooper: Bless your heart and many thanks for your kind words.
Last Saturday was the requiem mass for her and today was the internment. John asked if we could attend the mass and internment, which we we did. I can only hope that I show half the courage and strength this lady did when it is my time.
Butch, this is a beautiful tribute, and reminder that all that really matters in life is that we love and take care of one another. The grace and ease you brought to such a hard situation must have been such balm to both Fran and John. Sharing scotch, playing piano, shopping for clothes, sharing food, it is all communion in the purest sense (says the Quaker Pagan). Thank you for sharing this story.
Patrick: Many thanks for your kind thoughts and the most lovely way you have of saying them.
Having had an estranged relationship with the "church" to the point where I became a non-believer and find pagans ( and Quaker pagans especially ) a much friendlier bunch of people, I take your words to heart.
Fran had a proper requiem mass said for her by their local priest and a visiting priest from Uganda who officiated the Eucharistic portion of the mass. The internment was held another day in a private and brief ceremony at the grave site were we attended it as well.
What was ironic was that John told us Fran had trouble making friends ( one would never have known by those who attended her service ) and she warmed up to us right from the beginning and considered us some of her closest friends. I'm fortunate that we were able to honour her during this ending of her beautiful life.
Again, thanks for your comments.
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