Our neighbor is at home where she plans to be when she dies. We’ve been taking care of her husband and herself in different ways, from being there for her husband to come over and just talk about how he is coping or any medical questions that I can answer for him, to preparing meals for them whilst she was in the hospital for her many surgeries, and during her convalescence when cooking was not an option for her to do. Our most recent way of helping was helping her husband find a suit and choose some colours that were “a celebration of life” rather than wearing black for her funeral. This is what they both chose and it helped him look at a tragic milestone event in life and deal with it in an honorable way. I know this will eventually happen to us all at one time or another and I hope I will always remember the way my neighbor handled his time with a dignity I can only wish I will display, if I out live the love of my life.To begin, he wrote us the other day asking if we would go with him to a clothing store and help him choose a suit for him to wear at his wife’s coming funeral. He said that he had problems choosing the appropriate colours and matching them together. He also, said he would understand if we didn’t want to. ( Now, how could we not want to?! ) I had brief thoughts of “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy,” (brought to your local neighborhood) and if it weren’t a good friend reaching out and asking for our help, I may have joked with him about it, but was I humbled he felt comfortable enough to ask.
Our problem was he didn’t want to leave his wife alone whilst shopping and was planning to call the hospice nurse to come and sit with her. I offered to sit with his wife and keep her company whilst Steve and our neighbor went looking for a suit. ( I cannot imagine having to do this task and keep from becoming emotional about it. Last week he went to the funeral home to handle the funeral arrangements. ) sigh…
The weather was misbehaving the whole day acting, not unlike a spoiled child who had been refused a wanted object. The afternoon of the visit was especially unruly. We had everything from blue skies to rain, to blue skies, to hail, to rain, keep repeating the sequence, etc. Meanwhile, our friend who is very prepared to die and I had a wonderful time sitting, discussing politics, current events, how she’s feeling, music, how much weight she has lost, and what she has been eating and drinking. ( She cannot eat solid foods anymore due to the numerous tumours blocking the alimentary tract from working properly creating bowel obstructions and nausea. ) We continued our conversation with comments about the temperamental weather. ( She asked if I would play her piano and maybe, sing a little as well, and I did. ) It was nice to see her smile and even laugh at times. Since her disease had been diagnosed as a Stage IV ( which is advanced ) when she was first diagnosed, it was too late to expect a good prognosis. She is a fighter though and even in this late stage of her disease, she lives each and every day not wanting sympathy or dwelling on the disease, but on living the remainder of her life as best she can. We are not sure how long she and her body will be with us, but I do know she will postpone that finality of her wonderful life for as long as she has any control over it.
10 comments:
Thank you so very much for sharing these thoughts here. It sounds like your neighbors are beautiful people, with grace in the face of the inevitable. How wonderful for you and Steve to be involved in their lives now, coming along side to ease the way. You two are certainly a blessing for this couple.
I had to giggle a little bit about the husband asking for your help picking out a suit. Then you said it youself- Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! Who could be better to help him with this!
I wonder; when you were in active practice did you have many patients who died while under your care? I can't remember what field you specialized in, although I read it in the archives. I had a family physician once who was very distressed because one of his elderly patients had just received a diagnosis of a terminal disease. This doctor, a fairly young man, maybe early 30s, was having a hard time dealing with this. I think he hadn't had much experience with death yet. Of course being in family medicine he probably didn't have a lot of opportunity to deal with terminal illnesses. I suspect that is one of the factors that had him chosing family medicine in the first place.
I can tell it's getting late. I'm rambling again.
I enjoyed the post. You write well. :)
Java: Many thanks for your heart felt comments. Our neighbors are very special to us and I have never felt we were ever going out of our way to help them.
Yes, I have had patients of mine who were in their end stages of life and losing anyone you've been seeing is never a good thing to experience. Thank goodness, one of my best friends was an oncologist who treats patients with different types of cancer. I watched how he handled his patients and how he handled the loss of his terminal patients. To remain objective, one has to be empathic and basically first, do your job, and second try and relieve the stress the patient is going through with the treatments and therapies for the cancer they have, talking to them truthfully about their options and the results they may see was the only way, in my opinion.
Depending upon the patient, one has to decide how much one can tell them. Some patients believe they will beat a terminal disease and it isn't up to me or anyone else to ruin that belief. One tries to stay professional helping patients with terminal disease but it is always hard to watch them die knowing there is nothing you can do to prevent it from happening.
My friend was able to continue his career for many years being a good doctor to his patients and assuring them that when the time came, they would not suffer. I suppose if medicine were all about death and dying, I wouldn't have lasted as long as I did. There are many patients that one can help and I would say it is that type of patient that keeps most physicans practicing. I have always loved helping others and medicine has been a way for me to achieve that. I will also say that I never talked down to my patients and I made sure they understood everything I was trying to explain to them. A doctor and a patient is a partnership, in my opinion, and both make the decisions as to the the patient's healthcare.
Thanks for your comments and for stopping by.
I'm always moved to hear about relationships that have grown and deepened with time. Your friends' with each other, Yours and Steve's with them... the threads of community are so beautiful. I think they may be the most valuable things in life. I'm glad all four of you have one another, and I'm glad you shared this story.
Patrick: Thanks, Patrick. We have grown to love them and they have always been there for us when ever we would run into any problems fixing something around our own house. With him, you wouldn't have to ask, as he would see you struggling with something and in a minute or two, he would be over to our home lending a hand.
I make up many of my recipes for the dishes I used to send over for them to eat whilst she was recouperating and she would always ask for the recipe and then, share it with her sister in California. ;-) We have been given lemons from her sister's trees in Ca., and we have shared some delicious meals with our neighbor as well. She comes from Italian stock and her Italian dishes were so tasty. You can see how the food would pass back and forth across our street and into each others homes. I think the breaking of bread with another, and music have to be the universal languages for all.
Our neighbor is great with his hands and fixing things and his advice has always been welcomed. We are the same way with them and they know that if they need anything to give us a jingle and ask. They are dear to our hearts. Many thanks for your kind and thoughtful comment.
What a beautiful story, Butch. I think times such as these are when we truly discover how much easier our human journey is when we love and care for one another, and know that we are not alone. It connects us to the kind of suffering that only compassionate acts can help alleviate. Bless the four of you.
Many thanks. I think Man functions best in society when he interacts with others and is willing to give of himself when the call arises. I know it makes me feel good knowing that in some small way, I have made their life a bit easier to live.
Steve and I have always been the first to step up and help friends when they have needed us and wouldn't change it for the world. Thanks again for your kindness.
Planning for the funeral of a loved one must be one of the most difficult things we're asked to do in Life. To make those arrangements while that loved one is still alive must be ten times that. I wouldn't want to miss a moment of whatever time remained for us.
How grateful they must be to have you and Steve to offer your support and love during such a difficult time.
I can only hope that I will show the same dignity and grace and love as they when faced with life's final act, and if I'm lucky, there'll be good people around to help make the way easier.
Thanks for sharing, Butch! I'll keep the four of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Greg: Many thanks for your kind words. I suppose one can explain it knowing that a person is soon, going to die. We tend to put our feelings about it on the back burner but when it does finally happen, we still react.
Our society is not structured to handle death like it does other milestones in life. In my family when I was young, the wake was still held with the corpus in the home. There was a closing to this type of celebration and after the funeral food was shared at the person's home in celebration of their life. Unfortunately, the person after dying is swept away hygenically and you are only allowed "visiting-hours" at the funeral home not unlike visiting the person at the hospital. I remember my grandparents sitting up all night with their son who had died much too young for his age and his body was kept at home. One doesn't see that much anymore and I think it was an important way to put closure on a love one's death.
Thanks for your comments and thoughts.
You're a good egg, Butch, and a good neighbor. I took care of my mother in her terminal illness, and there were moments of singular poingnancy and closeness that I will always treasure. But, truth be told, the final stage of a terminal illness is not very poetic or uplifting. Mostly it's exhausting and grim. Personally, I think I'd rather be shot dead in the crossfire of a bank robbery. I'm grateful for the hospice movement, though, and the comfort it has brought to so many.
But mostly, I'm grateful for the handful of neighbors who were on the scene at the end, to do what they could... mostly just affirm their friendship. Like you've done for yours.
Joe: Thanks. I have told Steve that if I get to where I don't know who he is and becoming worse day by day, just take me out into a pasture and point at something to distract my attention, then, lovingly, shoot me! ( That is mostly joking but there is a part of me that doesn't want to burthen him. ) If he needs to make a decision to pull the plug on me, watching me spiral downward into a terminal death with no chance of becoming better, then do not be afraid to pull the plug or have it pulled. " Life is for the living and death, for the dead." I can guess from my own experiences with my parents and my younger sister dying, what you must have felt watching and doing what you could to make your mother's life easier in those last times. Bless your heart and thanks for the comments.
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